The bully contract

The fear of victimhood is THE idea that makes a bully. This idea creates the reality of the bully contract. From the perspective of the target, it can feel like the ultimate goal is to become the one who over powers instead of the one who is over powered. This is the very thing that keeps the bully on guard,  turns a victim into an aggressor, and recycles the motions of the game.

You might think as the target, ‘I’ll get it next time,” but there is no winning because that is the desire that keeps things running according contract. When rising up from the position of powerlessness, it can feel better to settle into the aggressor stance, but these are reciprocal positions of the same game. The goal that is more likely to break the game, is to let go of the struggle by letting go of the belief that your freedom must be granted. Regardless of which end of spectrum we might embody, to be on either side requires the perspective of a freedom that is dependant on “better” or “stronger”. Does it make sense that freedom would have a condition!!

In order to transcend this experience it is necessary to overcome the dichotomy of victim and victimizer. You can do this by developing love and respect for your free will. In order to experience being bullied or believe in the need to bully, one must also accept the idea that it is possible to be controlled. We may not control anyone, only convince others to agree.

Understand that your power is intrinsic and does need to be asserted or even accepted by others. You can learn to feel your own power by practicing gratitude – giving gratitude implies that you do not feel owed, and therefore that you cannot owe others – which frees you from the belief that extortion makes sense.

If you perceive hostility and arguments everywhere you go – examine your intention for the interaction. Are you trying to prove something? Even if you believe that you are the one being bullied, setting up to prove that you are right is a sure way to create a struggle. Are you perceiving encroachment? Aim to listen and therefore be heard with the intention of co-creating a solution.

When rising up from within the victim perspective we start to honour our boundaries and can sometimes shift into protecting them from trespass. This feeling of defensiveness can cause the reversal of aggression towards the aggressor. The still existent fear of being overpowered crops up, and we bring out the tools we have from our bully experience and beliefs to defend ourselves.

Remember that you are intrinsically powerful and need not prove anything. Learn to observe your experience from the calm strength that comes from understanding that you HAVE NOTHING TO PROOVE. To anchor this strength you can even meditate on the feeling of security. If you encounter manipulation from this stance, you will be able to recognize your choice to go your own way without the guilt or fear.

Honouring yourself means holding others in positive regard – because ultimately any feeling that originates within you passes throughout you before it reaches anyone else.


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